phone vs. your heart

A few nights ago Ross and I went out sans kiddos. Bellied up to the bar across from us was a couple who I noted because of their overly indulgent use of their iPhones. No joke they were on their phones the entire time we had 2 beers and a burger. I overheard the women tell the bartender that they were on their honeymoon. At this point I couldn't help but continue to stare and in a self-reflective-freak-out I decided that the iPhone needs a bit of a "TIME OUT." I am guilty of this. Why do I need to look at my phone 40 times in 20 minutes? Why am I texting or Instagraming on the sofa while I'm watching a movie with my husband? Why do my boys wait for me to sit down at the table while I am finding the perfect filter. I am horrified to admit to these things but it is the truth.

And then this morning I read this, Your Phone Vs. Your Heart, written by Barbara Fredrickson in the New York Times.

CAN you remember the last time you were in a public space in America and didn’t notice that half the people around you were bent over a digital screen, thumbing a connection to somewhere else? Most of us are well aware of the convenience that instant electronic access provides. Less has been said about the costs. Research that my colleagues and I have just completed, to be published in a forthcoming issue of Psychological Science, suggests that one measurable toll may be on our biological capacity to connect with other people. Our ingrained habits change us. Neurons that fire together, wire together, neuroscientists like to say, reflecting the increasing evidence that experiences leave imprints on our neural pathways, a phenomenon called neuroplasticity. Any habit molds the very structure of your brain in ways that strengthen your proclivity for that habit. Plasticity, the propensity to be shaped by experience, isn’t limited to the brain. You already know that when you lead a sedentary life, your muscles atrophy to diminish your physical strength. What you may not know is that your habits of social connection also leave their own physical imprint on you. How much time do you typically spend with others? And when you do, how connected and attuned to them do you feel? Your answers to these simple questions may well reveal your biological capacity to connect. My research team and I conducted a longitudinal field experiment on the effects of learning skills for cultivating warmer interpersonal connections in daily life. Half the participants, chosen at random, attended a six-week workshop on an ancient mind-training practice known as metta, or “lovingkindness,” that teaches participants to develop more warmth and tenderness toward themselves and others. We discovered that the meditators not only felt more upbeat and socially connected; but they also altered a key part of their cardiovascular system called vagal tone. Scientists used to think vagal tone was largely stable, like your height in adulthood. Our data show that this part of you is plastic, too, and altered by your social habits. To appreciate why this matters, here’s a quick anatomy lesson. Your brain is tied to your heart by your vagus nerve. Subtle variations in your heart rate reveal the strength of this brain-heart connection, and as such, heart-rate variability provides an index of your vagal tone. By and large, the higher your vagal tone the better. It means your body is better able to regulate the internal systems that keep you healthy, like your cardiovascular, glucose and immune responses. Beyond these health effects, the behavioral neuroscientist Stephen Porges has shown that vagal tone is central to things like facial expressivity and the ability to tune in to the frequency of the human voice. By increasing people’s vagal tone, we increase their capacity for connection, friendship and empathy. In short, the more attuned to others you become, the healthier you become, and vice versa. This mutual influence also explains how a lack of positive social contact diminishes people. Your heart’s capacity for friendship also obeys the biological law of “use it or lose it.” If you don’t regularly exercise your ability to connect face to face, you’ll eventually find yourself lacking some of the basic biological capacity to do so. The human body — and thereby our human potential — is far more plastic or amenable to change than most of us realize. The new field of social genomics, made possible by the sequencing of the human genome, tells us that the ways our and our children’s genes are expressed at the cellular level is plastic, too, responsive to habitual experiences and actions. Work in social genomics reveals that our personal histories of social connection or loneliness, for instance, alter how our genes are expressed within the cells of our immune system. New parents may need to worry less about genetic testing and more about how their own actions — like texting while breast-feeding or otherwise paying more attention to their phone than their child — leave life-limiting fingerprints on their and their children’s gene expression. When you share a smile or laugh with someone face to face, a discernible synchrony emerges between you, as your gestures and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror each other. It’s micro-moments like these, in which a wave of good feeling rolls through two brains and bodies at once, that build your capacity to empathize as well as to improve your health. If you don’t regularly exercise this capacity, it withers. Lucky for us, connecting with others does good and feels good, and opportunities to do so abound. So the next time you see a friend, or a child, spending too much of their day facing a screen, extend a hand and invite him back to the world of real social encounters. You’ll not only build up his health and empathic skills, but yours as well. Friends don’t let friends lose their capacity for humanity.

Wowzers, right?

My first comment to Ross when I found out that the couple at the bar had been married for only a few days was "thank goodness we didn't have iPhones on our honeymoon." But wait, do older couples say that about the stage we are in?, "thank goodness we didn't have iPhones when our babies were young"?

yountville + some Life thoughts

Just some thoughts that have been keeping my mind occupied. On the tails of a wildly creative, hilarious, life changing weekend {more on that in a sec}. I walked with a dear friend who shared some insight that is rocking my world. She told me that at my age, I am at the apex of my creativity. When she was younger she was overflowing with creative ideas, desires and energy. Now at 67 those thoughts are not as abundant. She has been a mentor of mine {a guiding light} since I was 10. She is a brilliant artist with a bright spirit. Wrapping my head around her creative juices "slowing down" has given me a new perspective on seizing. the. moment.

With that thought in mind I feel so incredibly thankful that I was able to have three days in Yountville to talk about everything from favorite recipes, creating art, favorite poets, growing children, growing herbs and plenty of things totally inappropriate for the world wide web. I have been given a gift of four women whose paths have crossed mine through a cyber web of happenstance. Estelle, Kim, Mel and Jeanne filled my cup in so many ways it would be hard to write them all down. In my "apex of creativity" I am grateful.

thank you.

Thank you so much for all of your participation in this past weeks conversation on Simplicity Parenting. I learned so much from all of the co-hosts, comments and emails I have received. One of the things that is so interesting is our united desire to simplify. Is that the trend? or did we all just seek each other out because of our common ideals? Either way I am encouraged and inspired by you all. Thank you.

And what is our real job as parents, if not first to nurture the beings entrusted to our care, to have faith in their inchoate processes of growing and becoming, and then to show up, again and again, for as long as we are able, to bear grateful witness to their unfolding destinies?
Katrina Kenison

chapter six - "Filtering out the adult world"

Today is our last chapter, Filtering out the Adult World and Jora from Domestic Reflections is my co-host. Jora actually suggested this book when I posted about Choice a few months ago. So thank you Jora... your recomendation has been life changing for Ross, Henry, Conrad and myself. I am very grateful. Enjoy her beautiful post... there is a lot of greatness here...

All of the topics we have discussed here from Simplicity Parenting have been so helpful and enlightening. For me though, and for my particular family's needs, the chapter on "Filtering Out the Adult World" felt particularly eye-opening. As I read the chapter, I was struck by how easy it would be to have the best intentions with one's children and still be doing something that wasn't helping, or maybe even them. It is probably safe to say none of us here would intentionally show our small children violent movies or discuss scary things with them. In that sense we are all doing a great job of "filtering." (High fives all around!) But I know I can slip into that world of "helicopter parenting" that Payne talks about. I can talk too much to my kids...pulling them out of their play worlds -- those worlds where they do all their work of being kids and leaning about life and growing into the people they are to become. I can monitor them too much and warn about dangers too much or offer too complicated of explanations to their questions.

As Payne says, this type of parenting may "stem from an overbearing love," but it doesn't "fully respect (or sometimes acknowledge) a child's independence. Yet out of love we can also choose to back off from over involvement...We can learn to allow our children their own tasks, decisions, conflicts, relationships, and emotional lives. We can provide the kind of stability and security that they will internalize, as base camp that doesn't move."

My son's teacher from a couple of years ago first told me about Kim John Payne....she continues to be a huge resource for our parenting. She was the one that first taught me (in Payne style) to just say less. This is so hard for someone like me, and it also went against what I thought a mom was supposed to do: explain the world to my kids and teach them everything I know. My son's teacher taught me the magic of this answer when a child starts with the "why why whys": simply try "Hmmmm...I wonder." Now, you might be thinking what I first thought when I heard her say this (yeah, right, that will never work with MY kid), but it is amazing! You should really try it. Kids (at least when they are 3, 4, or 5-ish) usually just want to practice engaging in conversation. They really don't want or need a big explanation. That's the reason the "why" is followed by an answer, which is followed by another "why," which starts the whole cycle over. Overly-intellectualized answers pulls them out of that dreamy child state...which is the state where they grow into the people they are to become.

I also like Payne's suggestion that parents should avoid talking to their kids nine or younger directly about their feelings. Again, this is something that wasn't intuitive to me. I thought asking, "Are you angry at your sister because she hurt your feelings?" and that sort of thing helped. It turns out, younger children mostly have feelings that are unconscious. By pushing them toward an awareness they don't already have, "we transpose our own emotions...and overwhelm them." Instead, giving a child more leeway and privacy with their feelings will allow them to develop their own emotions and awareness of them. According to Payne, when kids are young, they work out their feelings by doing. I had my daughter Juliet very much in mind when I read that. She is prone to tantrums, and she will sometimes, when we leave her alone, grab paints and paper and go hide somewhere and paint (while crying and screaming of course!)....but a little while later, those emotions seem to have moved onto the paper and out of her.

Another point I really appreciated in this chapter is the importance of protecting children from the heavy and scary and bad in the world while they are young. My own parents did not do this very well (although their intentions were good), so I can say first hand that hearing about global warming and child molesters and this sort of thing is scary for a child and doesn't help in the way parents might think they are. A child needs to know the world is a friendly place first and foremost and grow within that secure environment. They can learn about the uglier truths when they are in a more evolved, stable place...and because they have had a chance to develop without all that heaviness, they will be better able to cope and hopefully address the problems in our world. As Payne says, "Too much information does not 'prepare' a child for a complicated world; it paralyzes them."

Finally, I just loved the last couple of paragraphs of the chapter (and book). Payne recommends this simple exercise: Before falling asleep, instead of reviewing what you or the kids did wrong and what needs improvement, remember the ordinary moments of the day.....review the moments that mean something to you and that remind you of who your children are. He calls the exercise a "spiritual corrective lens." I'm totally trying that tonight.

YES!! Don't you love it when parenting advise is actually the easier route? This chapter was that for me. Henry asks me a lot of questions {like most children}. Some days we even have "question breaks" and during those breaks I usually reflect on the answers that I give and think, "what was I thinking!!!, I hope he doesn't remember that." I don't think well on my feet and most the time an hour later I think of a better answer. Saying "Hmmmm I wonder" gives Henry time to dream and me time to think of a good answer if it seems appropriate to revisit his question.

I also really identified with the part about feelings. When talking about tantrums my pediatrician has told me too just leave the room or if I can't leave pick up a book and pretend to read... basically just ignore. This has worked for us. It has allowed Henry to get through it on his own and move forward. I imagine that "feelings" are the same. It is almost like having big "feelings" is a more mature tantrum.

Okay one last thought. And I know that this is a hard one... TV/ Screen time. Have any of you tried to completely eliminate TV? I feel like I am a bit hypocritical on this one. We have a 24" TV without cable and my wish is to "kill" the TV but in a bind or in the need of a "break" I turn in on. After reading I realize that the times I turn it on are perfect opportunities for Henry to be "bored" or "pause." I think I just need to be brave. I have a friend who "broke" all of her TV's and she reports that life is actually much easier.

Thank you ALL so much for your contributions to this discussion over the last week. I would not have spent this time if I didn't really think this book was important. I feel like the more people who read it the more acceptable CHILDHOOD will be. In a time where women carry around business cards that say "MOM" I want to take a step back and make sure I am doing the right thing for my family. This book has been amazing. Thank you Kim John Payne and all of you who have contributed to a great discussion.

chapter five - "schedules"

Here we are, day five, Schedules, and my cohost is Erin of Such Small Steps.

Growing up, my sister and I had very few planned activities that we participated in...no sports teams until high school, no gymnastics, no swim team. We did play piano, and occasionally we did ballet or theater or art, but our weekends were spent at home, curled up with books, at the library, at the park where we climbed trees and rollerskated, or in the backyard where we hunted for bugs and lizards or played hide and seek with neighborhood friends. In hindsight, I'm guessing this was a side effect of having divorced parents who both worked full-time- weekends were our only time together as a family to rest and relax. Although I'm sure we often whined "I'm bored," I know that we spent hours making our own entertainment, both at home and at our grandparents' homes where we spent weeks each summer.

Some time around middle school, my dad instituted Sunday as "family day": no plans with friends, no activities, no classes, just church in the morning, brunch or lunch after, and long afternoons and evenings spent at home hanging out, playing board games and talking. I hated it. I truly felt that I was being punished for something, that if I wasn't able to meet up with my girlfriends I would "miss everything." It's only now, as I raise my own little ones, that I understand the wisdom of this forced day of rest.

Consciously or unsconsciously, my husband and I have made the choice not to enroll our kids in many activities. We both work long hours during the week, and what we love most about the weekends is the sweet unpredictability found in a day with no plans. We can decide over a cup of coffee where our day may take us: to the zoo? Maybe on a little road trip? Or just something simple like a bike ride at the park followed by lunch. I am not opposed to nurturning my kids' interests, but I am resistant to losing that all of that time spent together, even if it is sometimes "ordinary or boring," to harried shuttling from place to place to place. Some of my favorite childhood memories stemmed from finding a creative way to deal with long, dull summer days, time spent putting on little plays or listening to my grandparents' old records, or setting up tents in our backyard. If every week of our summers had been filled up with tennis drills and language classes and ballet lessons, I am not sure that would have been the case. As with much of life, it's all about finding balance. As the book says, if we "sow the seeds of balanced childhoods what will develop, over time, are strong and whole, resilient, balanced individuals."

I love this chapter there are so many great nuggets. Erin I love the idea of "family day" I love how Payne gives the sentiment that your kids desire it and we should honor this time. Cherish it. This is so true but not common. Could you imagine if your boss said at 4:45 "you better pack up your family is waiting for you"?

Here are a few things from the book that really stuck with me...

The idea of organized sports. The desire to find a book like this began as I signed my 3 1/2 year old up for soccer. {what was I thinking... I did it... I filled out the paperwork... no one had a gun at my head... yet this is exactly opposite of how I thought I would raise my kids}. Any way I love what Payne says on the subject. He thinks organized sports are great when done at the oppropriate age. He talks about how kids are starting so young now that they get burnt out and are missing the best time to actually participate in them. "...kids are quitting as they approach adolescence, just when the structure and rigors of organized sports and martial arts have so much to offer them in their quest for individuality, independence and maturity." I think one of the biggest struggles about this is the kids who have been playing club sports that dominate all the other kids. This is hard, you don't want to throw your kid on a team and watch him fail. What do you all think about this?

The GIFT of anticipation. I love this concept. "When you back off the treadmill loop of planned activities, you make room for pauses, you make time for anticipation and reflection."

I also love the importance Payne puts on boredom and how this time can allow your child to be totally engrossed in something. "It is something you can make space for and honor, but you can't control it." All we can do as parents is facilitate downtime for this to happen. This kind of goes into Mondays talk but I feel like it is so easy to insert TV into this downtime. There is nothing to do well, sure you can watch one show.

And one more thought, this pretty much sums it up...

"Balance is what we're after in simplifying our family's schedules. And once we cross our kids' names off the "Race of Childhood" sing-up form, time opens right up. Time for rest and creativity to balance activity; time for contemplation and stimulation, moments of calm in busy days, energies conserved and expended; time for free, unscheduled play, for ordinary days, for interests that deepen over time; time for boredom; and time for the joy and infinite passion of anticipation."

Erin thank you so much for co-hosting with me and for all your thoughtful words. ox!

*The sweet photo above are Erin's little boy and girl in their garden.

chapter four - "rhythm"

Day four, Rhythm. Today I feel so lucky to have Haydee of Happenstance share her thoughts. She has nailed it with her personal stories and excerpts from the book. Sit back, absorb and comment away... I hope you are all enjoying this as much as I am.

At first I wasn’t quite sure how I would quantitate “rhythm” with child rearing. But after reading this chapter, not only was I enlightened by the idea and effects of “rhythm,” but I recognized many of Dr. Payne’s points about “rhythm” from my own childhood. When I was younger we often had the same dishes for dinner which always seemed boring, but now I get why. My friends always wanted to come to my house when we were teenagers. I never understood it, but now I know why. You would never find sugar cereals in our pantry. It was kind of a bummer, but now I embrace why. Most of all, I realize that I have adapted these same “rhythms” as a kid, into my own home, with my own kids. I understand now that with consistency and repetition, the vibrations of the rhythms of life have a powerful ability to carry on. Below are some soundbites I noted from each section of the “Rhythm” chapter that I thought you’d be interested in reviewing. Some I have commented on. I would love to hear your thoughts too!

RHYTHM / PREDICTABILITY
“Meaning hides in repetition … what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: family dinners, walks, reading together at bedtime, Saturday morning pancakes.”

“A form of predictability can also simply be in the form of politeness.” –– Hooray! The monotony of reminding them to say “please” and “thank you” pays off!

ESTABLISHING RHYTHMS
“After school time is also a great opportunity for free unscheduled time. What a delight it is for a school-age child to set their own agenda; what a blessing, even, to be bored.” –– This will forever make me see “boredom” so differently. It’s so valuable and easy!

RELATIONAL CREDITS
“Simplicity establishes a connection with our children that is ‘bankable.’ By that I mean we have ‘relational credits.’ In difficult times we can count on, and draw from, this connection.”
“Relational credits, the emphasis you’ve put on being there for them, and with them, can make things easier for you both, during their adolescence and other difficult times.” –– I plan to rack up these “relational credits!” Who knows what those dreaded teenage years have in store for us!

FAMILY DINNER / FOODS
“The dinner table is one of a child’s most consistent laboratories for learning social skills (and impulse control); it’s democracy in action.”

“Food is meant to nourish, not entertain or excite.” –– You hear that chocolate-dipped, deep fried Oreo’s!

“How can a carrot compete with Hot Wings and Blue Cheese Doritos? “Big hit flavors” (like Doritos––usually additives, and stimulants) set up an addictive cycle. Such foods are the enemy of rhythm. You can’t flow through speed-crash-and-burn.” –– I have a “big hits flavor” (or lack thereof) story of when Penelope was four. We reluctantly attended a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese and when it came time for lunch the only drink provided was soda. Surprisingly (because I thought I’d have to deal with a “why can’t I?” scenario) Penelope matter of factly asked for milk. It’s true what Dr. Payne says about “what happens at home” naturally evolves. At that time and to this day Penelope has never tasted soda.

“There are 17,000 “new food products” introduced to shoppers in this country every year.” –– This usually means that there is little to no nutritional value in these new foods. Especially if it didn’t exist 50 years ago.

“Is it [food] unnecessarily complex with ingredients you can’t identify or pronounce?” –– This reminded me of Jamie Oliver’s simple suggestion. If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, don’t buy it. I never realized what a great rule of thumb this was until I started realizing how easy the ingredients were to decipher on my Trader Joe’s items.

SLEEP
“Everything your child does and who they will be are affected by their sleep or lack of it. Too little sleep is the first thing I look for.” –– This blew me away. I can honestly say that we have never had sleep issues with either kid. Now five and three, both were trained to sleep in their own bed without a night light at two months thanks to the suggestion of our amazing pediatrician, Dr. Levy. He made a great point about babies being used to darkness and natural outside noises while in the womb. So creating a similar environment for them at home would only make them more comfortable. Every night they go to sleep between 8-8:30 pm without any resistance. In fact, our three y/o has been known to just say he’s going to bed on his own. Again, all a testament to Dr. Levy and his amazing guidance.

BEDTIME STORIES
“Stories are wonderful pressure valves. Children recognize themselves in the characters; they sense their own worth as they feel the heroine’s fears, experience her bravery, compassion, and hope.” –– I had never really thought of any benefits past word recognition and playtime reenactments. This was great to know.

“Most of the answers a young child is looking for can be found through story. This is a good example of the difference between our worlds as children and adults.” –– This, too, is so great to realize.

Thank you so much Haydee!

P.S. Levy really is awesome. I feel like I could write a post just about the things he has taught me about parenting.

*Above is a photo of Haydee's little ones "being bored" too sweet. Especially with their crowns on. Love it.

chapter two - "soul fever"

I hope I haven't lost any of you... there was a pretty good discussion yesterday on "stuff" and although this is a huge part of simplifying {and we will talk more about it tomorrow} it is only one part of the book. Today we are going to talk about Soul Fevers. My cohost today is Torrie with A Place to Share...

“Something is not right; they’re upset, overwhelmed, at odds with the world. And most of all, at odds with their truest selves.” This is what the author refers to as a “soul fever” and it describes my 8-yr. old daughter’s current condition- to a ‘T’. It’s been building up for a while now. And in full disclosure, I have noticed it, made a few small changes here and there, and quieted things down as necessary- until the fever has waned to a manageable level. But with the next wave of school projects, or influx of social commitments (aka- play dates, family gatherings, birthday parties), or any other small or large crisis that arrives when least expected (especially these past few months), her fever returns… in stronger form. In the form of mood swings, short tempers, pushiness, constant discontentment, boredom, sluggishness, and major sass. I hate to admit it, but my little ‘ray of sunshine’ has not been beaming so bright as of late. But then again, neither have I. This past Saturday morning, minutes after her brother left for a 2-day camping trip, she presented us with a “What I want to do today” list. Let’s just say, that I was worn out after merely reading the list. Is it even possible to play on the slip n’ slide, set up and conduct a lemonade stand, prepare snow cones, blow up the playhouse, learn to type, do a craft, watch a movie, play the Wii, have a tea party- all in one day?? I could wax poetic about how she {we} got here, and give countless examples of how we believe wholeheartedly in the concept of “simplicity parenting.” Details (and excuses) aside, we’ve always been huge believers of keeping it simple. We live fairly quiet lives, have our kids involved in as few extra-curricular activities as possible, spend our summers camping, and our weekends puttering in the garden. Disneyland to us is hitting up a new farmer’s market- or better yet- a restaurant supply store. But as the kids have gotten a little older, as their span of influence has increased, as we’ve each added more to our plate- we’ve lost our way a bit. And this is exactly why we are reading this book. It’s time to set the quick fixes aside, turn the computer [video games, cell phones, TV…] off, de-clutter our home (& schedules), and get back on track.

Torrie thank you for being so authentic and honest. I think it is so wonderful to hear other moms be vulnerable. There is soooo much to be vulnerable about in parenthood, no?!

I loved this chapter. Actually out of all the chapters this one really spoke to me. I don't think that there is any child in the world who hasn't had one. Kim John Payne's theory is that children have physical fevers and soul fevers. When a child has a physical fever what do we do? We clear our calendars, we make sure they are comfortable, we cuddle, we read, we are in the moment with our child. This is exactly the same thing with a soul fever. I always know when they are coming on. Maybe after the third birthday party of the weekend and after his second restless night of sleep. I know that there will be pay back time on Monday. Before reading this book I just thought that is how it is. We get through the rough patch and move on. Of course this will happen but what this book really helped me see is that you can anticipate it and you can avoid it. Your child doesn't need to do everything. You don't need to sign up or attend every event that comes your way. I feel like the message is that we must discern what is important and then make a choice.

The hardest part about this is that a child with a soul fever is not always the most pleasant person to be around. This is the Henry that usually gets under my skin and brings the worst out of me. But I feel like if I can identify with what is going on I am much more understanding and ready to care for his "fever."

What did you all get out of this?

Have you noticed when a "fever" is coming on?

What have you seen as a surefire way to get a "soul fever"?

I feel like I get "soul fevers" too, when you just feel out of sorts, when all you want to do is clear your calendar and decompress.

Let's discuss....

*Above is a sweet photo of Torrie and her little girl picking raspberries. Thank you again Torrie. Looking forward to meeting you one day soon!

Chapter one - "why simplify?"

Welcome to my little virtual book club. Thank you so much for playing along. Everyday we will focus on a chapter, please comment away {I will be responding to all comments and would encourage you all to respond to each other as well}. Each day I will have a cohost who will give their thoughts on the chapter and then below I will ask some questions that we can discuss {comment on}. Well here is goes...

Today Melissa with Reverie Daydream is my cohost as we discuss Chapter one, "Why Simplify?"

Before we had our one and only crumb, our lives were very minimalistic. We lived in a home of contemporary design with a color palette of creams, greys and natural wood finishes. Soothing, clean, fresh and simple would be how I would best describe our pre-child existence. Then she came along and added her vibrant love for color, toys, and the general stuff that comes along with these little people. We were always up front with our families and friends in regards to the overload of gifts, and at first, they listened, but then something crazy happened, the influx of ‘junk’ from well-meaning grandparents and such became out of control. Even with pleas of “save your money and buy a plane ticket to come and spend time with her” didn’t work. When they visit, they take her to toy stores and let her choose whatever she wants. The stuff comes home and is played with maybe once and then forgotten. I’ve always been a purger. Every few months, the house gets a good cleanse of things to bring us all back into check and keep our surroundings as clear and peaceful as possible. Now that our crumb is four, she has noticed when certain toys are no longer around and a drama of sorts unfolds. This is not how I want my child to be raised, for our objective is for her to appreciate the few toys and play things that encourage imagination, music, and learning. Over the past few weeks, we have kindly let our families know where we stand {again}, and we are not falling in the trap of buying our crumb something new just because she asks for it. She has gradually stopped asking for things when we go to the store, and she has helped me choose her favorite toys/stuffed animals that she would like to keep. It is all down to a manageable quantity, and I already notice a lengthening of her attention span for play and learning. We do not have a television, so she is not tempted by the latest and greatest must-haves seen on commercials, nor is she over-stimulated by the fast-paced shows and cartoons that jam the channels. For the most part, our lives are very clean and simple. We spend a great deal of time outdoors where we set up her teepee, read books, build forts using leaves, sticks, rocks and petals for the ladybugs, gather flowers along our walks to add to her field journal, and make bi-weekly {or more} trips to the library to rotate titles in our constant book tower along with working in the garden, painting alongside her papa, and cooking with me in the kitchen, these are the things that make her happiest. It’s become evident that excess is truly a cluttering of the mind. No matter the age, one cannot think clearly when our spaces are “maxed out”.

The author, Kim John Payne, M.Ed., says that when he starts working with any family he always asks "How did you dream your family would look?" He says that this is usually not inline with the way you live today and can be a great starting point for where you want to go. So for you all reading "What did you dream your family would look like?"

When thinking of this question, I think about being pregnant with my first baby and a friend said that I would be the type of mother who would carry our child around in a basket. I don't know why this has stuck with me for so many years but it reminds me that I do want things to be simple. I have always been so turned off by all of the "stuff" that babies/ children "need." When there was a day that babies were carried around in baskets and slept in dresser drawers.

One last thought that totally blew me away in this first chapter is the idea that every child is quirky. If children have stress in their life {and not "normal life" stress like a broken bone but real caotic stress} this quirkyness turns into a disorder. WOW. It took me a bit to digest this but I can totally see this with Henry. When life is unpredictable and hectic with no downtime, I have been observing Henry go from quirky to OCD. Henry has always loved to have things in order, he likes things to go a certain way but when he is stressed every little thing can make him crazy. A tag in his PJ's can throw him over the edge, a fallen block tower can cause tears for 15 minutes and the normal hibitual tasks of the day seem to be torture.

How does your quirky child change under stress? And have you seen this behavior change as you have implimented Simplicity Parenting into your life?

Thank you Melissa. I am always so inspired by the way that you parent. I have even teased that in my next life I want to come back as your daughter. Thank you for co-hosting and thank you for the adorable photo of Sophia. Much love & light.

*the beautiful photo above is of Melissa and her little Crumb, Gaia... taken by their McDreamy.

Simplicity Parenting Book Club {preview}

I just wanted to post a little reminder that Monday is the first day of our virtual book club. I decided that each chapter has so much in it that next week I am going to dedicate 6 days to discussing the book. Each day we will focus on a chapter and I have invited 6 lovely ladies to be my co-hosts. Even though we are all reading the same book our interpretations of the book are all going to be different and the way we impliment change in our families is going to be unique. For this reason I am beyond excited to see what my co-hosts come up with and can not wait to hear your comments. If you haven't started reading just work on Chapter one this weekend. If you plan on reading it later, you can always come back and reference the posts for next week.

I can't wait to hear what you all think. ox, Alexis

Monday, 5/7 - "Why Simplify" - Melissa, Reverie-Daydream
Tuesday, 5/8 - "Soul Fever" - Torrie, A Place to Share
Wednesday, 5/9 - "Environment" - Jennifer - The Humble Buttery
Thursday, 5/10 - "Rhythm" - Haydee - Happenstance
Friday, 5/11 - "Schedules" - Erin - Such Small Steps
Monday, 5/14 - "Filtering Out the Adult World" - Jora - Domestic Reflections

Disney + a thought on Simplicity Parenting

Last week was Henry's second trip to Disneyland. It was such a magical day. It really was the Happiest Place on Earth last Tuesday. There is something so amazingly awesome about riding a roller coaster with your kiddo. The look on Henry's face was pure joy mixed with a little terror. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop and when we got off Thunder Mountain I think Henry was at least an inch taller.

So a thought on Simplicity Parenting. Ross has been listening to the book on his commutes to work so we have been able to talk a lot about our desire to simplify. When Ross's parents so graciously offered to take us to Disneyland we asked them to honor our wishes to keep it simple. This is hard when everywhere you turn there is something any child would want. Every single attraction dumps you out at a new gift store. Ross's parents were totally on board for us to make the "gift" our trip to Disneyland. Henry might of had the best day of his life {I mean really it felt like that}. Of course I am not saying that he would have had less fun if he had gotten a toy but I do feel like something about the experience changes. Last year we had a great time, although there was a huge focus on finding the "perfect" toy. Henry knew that he was going to get a toy so he spent a lot of the day looking at every single option in every single store. Which really isn't the point, right?

Henry got the attention of 2 grandparents, 2 parents, ride after ride, ice cream, cotton candy, a hug from Donald and he left singing the entire way home. I think it was a success. Have you tried anything that the books suggests? What do you think?

resource party {+ name tags}

This weekend Julia and I hosted a resource party. So the idea is that everyone brings a goal that they want to share. At the beginning of the party everyone tells the group what their goal is and then throughout the night you talk to people who you think you may be able to help, give ideas too and basically just encourage. Julia and I put together a list of local bloggers and there was an amazing turn out of 25 girls. I highly recommend doing this. I learned very quickly that you don't need a blog and you don't need to have a business. Your goal could be to help a non-profit or to start to go to Yoga, whatever. The huge take away for me is that there are no goals too big or too small and we are all here to encourage each other {which I know everyone needs}. I had a happy hangover the next morning, everyone's energy was so good. Could you imagine most girls didn't know anyone. I think I only knew half the group and everyone felt comfortable being vulnerable telling the group their dreams.
My house was filled with so much radiant talent... these were our guests...

Alex - Rustic Rooster
Bethany & Tere - MOM
Karen - Karin Grow
Kara - Verse Jewelry
Ashley - Little Presidents {adorable monogrammed goodies for you and baby... website to come}
Brandi - Not Your Average Ordinary
Summer - Modernhaus
Raluca - What Would Gwenyth Do
Bianca - Bink & Boo
Theresa - Inspiration Co Op
Samantha - Vintage is for Lovers
Jennie Corti - The White Barn
Heather Feemster - La Feem & The Post Social
Grace Sorenson - Grace Happens
Amber Haldane - The Girl is Craftee
Brandis Rodriguez - Little Rabbit Print
Haydee Sentianin - Happenstance & The Post Social
Julia Wheeler - San Diego Songbird & The Post Social
Nicole - Coastal Family Living
Nicole - Paper Boat {amazing shoes... coming soon}
Venus - Anthology Collection
Erin - Such Small Steps
Greta - Ott Creative

So for name tags I thought I would do something a little jazzier then just "Hello my name is." So I got mailing labels from Paper Source, cut out fabric, punched out paper from the dictionary and made a "fresh" stamp {our theme was Fresh food and Fresh ideas}. I hot glued them all together and there you go... a fun twist on name tags {which are so nice to wear especially someone like me who gets nervous and forgets good friends names}.

Wait! one more thing I forgot to say... today marks the first day of Jeanne Oliver's, Building a Creatively Made Business e-course. You can hop on and join in at anytime and registration is open until April 23. On top of the course all registered people are entered to win a Beginning Business Kit. This is blog design, web design, postcard design, business card design and one on one consulting with Jeanne. I am super excited! Please email me if you have any questions... I have no doubt that it will be great.

Simplicity Parenting

This book was suggested by Jora after my post on choice. After reading the title Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, I couldn't wait to start reading. After our first week of soccer - pretty sure I heard a guy tell his wife "if {insert child's name} keeps this up I am thinking scholarship". barf. they're three - I feel like Ross and I need to take a pause and make sure that we are on the right track with our kids and our parenting. So I thought I would see who's in for a virtual book club. Not sure the best way to do this but I am thinking that I will post some thoughts/questions in one month Monday, May 7th and we can talk amongst ourselves via 'comments.'
1- get the book
2- read
3- check in 5/7 & let's discuss!
I have no idea if this will work but even if only a couple of us read, I have a feeling that this book has the potential to make a difference in the lives of our precious children.

fresh start

500 posts with my old look and today marks my new look at post 501. If you knew me you would know that I have a weird thing with the number 5 and that this must mean I am on the right path {not planned but exactly how it should be}.

Ana from Blog Milk helped me redecorate. I am not really sure how to give her professionalism, creativity and lickety splicketiness justice. But she is wonderful, brilliant and totally awesome. I want to sing it from the roof top. Thank you Ana. You listened to my every request and I am a very happy lady.

one more thing.

We planted our raised beds this weekend. The sweet peas and swiss chard were pulled out to make room for tomatoes, a few kinds of squashes and lots of herbs. Last year was a royal flop which after reading this post I decided was the fault of the soil. After a bag full of chicken poop, veggie food and gypsum I am hopeful.

Here is to starting fresh.

choice

Just a thought on choice.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Are lots of choices good? Well after a little research {mostly observing my 3 and a half year old son} I would say no. I hate to admit it, my child is a total and complete consumer. The exact opposite of what I dreamed about rubbing my tummy 4 years ago.

This child could fill a cart at Office Depot. He wants and "needs" everything. How did that happen? Well maybe because he has tons of grandparents, great grandparents and lots of aunts and uncles... all of which want to spoil him. He is a lucky little guy. Ross and I are guilty of this spoiling thing too, a "treat" here and there is fun... but wait when does the "treat" stop being a "treat" and start being expected?

Last night I heard of a 12 year old girl who was grounded for a week because she wasn't content. Wow. How do we teach our kids to be contented with what they have; nothing more, nothing less?

The other day I took the boys to the park. As we were running out the door I threw an orange, some pistachios and water in a bag {quite honestly I knew they wouldn't be on the top of Henry's favorite snack items but I was hungry too}. We sang a ridiculous song on our way, found a tree to sit under and had a late afternoon outing at the park. After swinging, scooting, sliding and climbing, Henry asked for a snack. I showed him what we had and he gladly sat and ate. I had offered the same snack the day before but because there are a million other choices at home this one did not seem very good. But at the park with only 3 choices {one of those being water} Henry was happy and most of all content.

Yesterday morning Henry, Ross, Conrad and I were all in our closet {not sure why} but Ross found a box that he forgot about. Inside were a bunch of Roark stickers. Henry said he wanted them. Ross said he could have one {this is when the craziness started}, Henry insisted on two, Ross had very little patience for this, Henry started to loose his mind, Ross took all the stickers away, closed up the box and our 3.5 year old was purple screaming his head off. It happened so fast. Ten seconds earlier, he didn't even know the stickers existed. Happy, contented. Next second, the possibilities of having any sticker he wanted ruined his {at the moment} life.

One last story.

I had a neighbor growing up who apparently had tons of money... I think his family was in the oil business or something. But he lived in a very normal house, had a garden in the back, wife who went to garage sales and he seemed really happy. I remember neighbors saying that he was a bit nuts... "he could buy a plane but he doesn't even have a garbage disposal." Looking back I think the joke was on all of those neighbors. He didn't let all of his choices dictate his life. He was contented.

No shortcuts.

10 years ago Julie and I were two early 20 somethings on the way home from Vegas after 12 wild hours on New Years Eve. Julie convinced me that she knew a 'short cut.' The grueling and boring 6 hour drive home turned into 9 hours. No doubt we listened to country and some offensive rap the entire way home. Reminiscing about the ridiculous adventures from the night before. Today we have 5 boys between us and the idea of a 'short cut' has new meaning. Like Julie said "In those days we were consumed with how much fun we could have in lieu of sleep and now we can't figure out how to sleep enough!" My impulse is to say... 'those were the days' but I am sure in 10 years I will say that about the stage we are in now.

Here is to dear friendships & sleeping babies.

show & tell

I thought I would share some items that have been my absolute favorite things during this newborn stage, top to bottom.
Voluspa Vervaine Olive Leaf Candle - Have you smelt this one? Oh my! it is so clean and fresh and wonderful.
Eddie Vedder Ukulele Songs - This has been on heavy, heavy rotation since Ross gave it to me for my birthday. I am pretty much obsessed with it. Eddie Vedder is so incredible and the sound of the ukulele takes me away. Most of the songs EV wrote but a few of them are old ditties from the 30's and 40's there is a duet with Chan Marshall (Cat Power) that is so sweet.
A Sequoia Tree Pine Cone - When my grandmother passed away my aunt gave one of these to all of us. My grandmother was an amazing outdoors-woman and always took a souvenir from her backpacking trips {I think this is against the law but really she only took little things :)}. I held this pine cone through my labor and now it sits on the windowsill next to Conrad's crib.
Wee Gallery Art Cards - I was given these cards when Henry was born and now both of my boys have loved them. I set them in Conrad's crib or on the changing table and he just stares at them. They are especially brilliant when I need a shower.
The NoseFrida - This thing is amazing. Really I want one for myself. The tag line is "The Snotsucker" and it is true. It gets everything and is not as scary as that blue bulb that they send you home with at the hospital.
Bossypants - Funniest. Book. Ever. Since having Conrad I haven't been reading much but this book has been great for a chapter here and there. Ross actually read parts of it to me in the labor and delivery room and we had to stop because I was laughing so hard that the nurses couldn't monitor my contractions.
Bamboo Swaddle Blankets - These are so amazing, so incredibly soft and cozy. Perfect for a good swaddle and a cuddle.

Happy Love Day + a few random thoughts...

I hope you are all feeling especially loved today! I am looking forward to our little Valentine celebration tonight. I am not sure about dinner but I am dreaming up a super naughty, yummy desert. I can not wait to give Henry his little shirt with Pepe Le Pew that says 'Love Stinks.'
It has been so beautiful here lately... we had a very nice 'outside weekend,' a little beach, a little hike {aka... Ross the Boss death march} and a lot of sleep {yesterday I fell asleep reading my Vanity Fair on the sofa at 7:20pm}. By the way... if you don't get Vanity Fair this months is especially fun with all the Hollywood talk, I have almost read every line. Oh and one more thing... isn't that Volvo on top amazing. It was parked in front of the beach on Saturday night when we went down to see the sunset. I couldn't stop myself I had to get a snap, especially with the lovely lady with dark glasses and white hair. I was 5 feet away and I could smell the old leather interior.
and here are a few random thoughts {that I keep finding myself thinking of} ~
1- a quote out of the new Vanity Fair... "Being born beautiful is like being born rich and dying poor" Joan Collins
2- from a chain email... "You can learn a lot about a person by the way they deal with a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
3- said by me at 5am to Ross as I was explaining a dream... "And that was the worst part about being in jail." In reference to a dream where Ross and I went to jail for being squatters in an old client's house... this just keeps making me laugh, out loud.

little moments

Yesterday while we were leaving the store Henry leaned in for a big kiss and said "I love you Mommy." I live for these little moments. There are so many simple things that happen during the day that it would be impossible to capture every little thing... but I can try.

Alt recap in a list

Alt was incredible folks... no really I am overflowing. I am overflowing with new thoughts, different points of view and an amazing list of things TO DO! I think it would be impossible to sum up my experience in one post but I am going to try with a list.
1. DJ Spooky. Starting with the text I sent Ross while he was speaking {I know, rude, but it was only because I thought it was nicer then talking to my neighbor about how amazing he was} I have not stopped thinking about his talk. So he was one of our keynote speakers. He went through the history of spinning music starting in the 1800's it blew my mind. He showed us a photo of "speaker party" in 1915. There were a few men dressed in suits and bow ties with their floor to ceiling speakers. They would play sounds together and 'mix music.' He was raised in DC in the 60's, his dad was the lawyer for the Black Panthers and his mother was a professor. One of the ladies in the room asked "how did your parents cultivate your desire to learn and your individual style?" He said that his parents always challenged him and expected him to challenge them. He said his mother would say {and this is my favorite quote from the conference} "Dye your hair green but don't ever do anything stupid". I love that I want to calligraphy that somewhere in my house.
2. Which brings me to #2. My calligraphy class was so great. I am in love, obsessed and can not stop thinking about calligraphy. Melissa Esplin of I Still Love You lead the class and she is adorable and so talented. I can not wait to use calligraphy for letters, packaging, gifts... the list goes on. And my highlight of the class was sitting next to Joslyn of Simple Lovely. Which brings me to #3.
3. There were so many inspiring, lovely and approachable people at this conference. Joslyn was one of the ladies that I was so excited to meet and she proved to be just as charming and authentic in person. Here are some of the other ladies that were highlights on my trip; Willow of Willotoons, Karey of Mackin Ink, Erin of Apartment 34, Stephanie Neilson of NieNie Dialogues, Deb of Fresh Nest Design and Christy Tomlinson of Scarlet Lime there are more but I can't find everyone's cards!
4. Social Media... obviously that is very general but one of the things that I came away with is refocusing my energies while I am on my computer. I started a Pinerest account {I don't have any pins yet but will start this week}. This will be a place for me to post things I find while reading all of my favorite blogs. I have only been posting my own photos so this is the perfect place to put all of the things that I love love love. I am also going to be tweeting a lot more. I never really understood tweeting but it clicked during one of my sessions. I am going to be linking to music, videos and products that I love. And finally Facebook. This is the one area that I am really struggling with because I LOVE FB for checking in on my sisters, seeing my sweet friends adorable, precious children and I feel like I will miss out on what is going on if I am not on it. With all of this said I feel like all of my heart relationships {dear friends and family} deserve more then social media. As every month passes I feel like I write less notes, have less coffee dates, and talk on the phone with friends less. I feel like texting and Facebooking have been a totally normal way to communicate with the people I love. I want to reserve these relationships with the things that I love to do. I love sitting down and writing a note, I love making time for coffee dates and family dinners and I love talking to friends on the phone and of course in person. It is going to take much more effort but I am up for the task.
5. Random but... I am getting a subscription to Anthology. It is hands down the most gorgeous magazine I have ever seen.
6. One of my big take-aways was said by Joslyn in a panel. She said that what she loves about following a blog is seeing it evolve. She loves watching the writer find their voice, find their style and develop their photography. I loved this because I tend to get impatient with my blog. I am always wanting to change my layout and I feel like I often get discouraged by my writing. When Joslyn said this I felt like she was speaking directly to me. It gives me so much comfort to be reminded that it is the journey. Of course, brilliant!
6. And finally... thank you to my sweet roomies {Jeanne and Melissa}. I loved spending time with you. I think that every women should share a hotel room with other ladies at least once a year. It is such a treat to talk for hours and get room service {bliss}!

some things on my mind in this new year...

1. I am back. I have been seriously unplugged and it has been wonderful. I am very much 'plugged in' on most days but to take a week to have your phone on silent and no internet connection in sight is pretty lovely. If I didn't get so much enjoyment out of my blog I would seriously consider a telegram only policy... Okay sorry I am rambling... I might have forgotten how to blog.

2. So as I was saying... a new year. I feel like so much is changing and shifting right now which is why I thought I would take a second to snap a photo of Henry's favorite shoes. These little froggie rain boots have been on H's feet for many of my favorite mom moments. And they have officially been retired. Although I want so badly to squeeze his little feet in them one more time I know we need to move on and find a new pair for a new year. I think I am nostalgic because he starts school tomorrow. His first day! I have been really excited but when I see the froggie shoes sticking out of the 'too small box' I get sad.

3. If you are wondering why this is the most random post ever. Here is #3 "things on my mind" I am pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant and I feel so sick. I have been barfing my brains out. The most pregnant moment ever was a couple days before Christmas when I was crying singing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' to Henry while we were driving, I stopped at a stop sign and I barfed in my smoothie. Besides feeling so ill and being a tired, space case I am so excited. I am thrilled that our little ones will be 3 years apart and I am thrilled to be a mommy all over again.

4. I was in Aspen last week with my family. It was the first trip that Ross had ever been on with all 4 of my siblings. I am so bummed that I am not sharing all of our photos but #1 leaked into my desire to snap photos so I have a few cute ones of Henry in ski school but that is about it.

5. On our flight to Aspen we ran into a band {I know that doesn't make sense}. Ross and I knew the drummer, my sister knew the guitarist and we met the singer who is adorable. Any way the first night we were in Aspen we went to their show and were blown away. The band is called A Fine Frenzy... check them out!

6. I really want fried rice.