a month ago today

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

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Above is a photo of Henry, Conrad and I. Just moments before Henry hopped into my lap for this shot, he met his brother, Conrad Michael. Holding both of my boys for the first time was a feeling hard to explain. My heart hurt. How am I going to be fair, consistent and loving to these two boys for as long as I live? How am I going to teach them to be good men? How am I going to last another day without sleep? Where will our first camp out be? So many thoughts have been circling my head as now I know that I am and will always be the mother of boys. There was a night when Henry hung his head over Conrad's bassinet and said "what a cutie" which melted my heart. And then there was the day that Henry went in for a hug and bit Conrad so hard that he broke the skin. Conrad was purple before he let out a wicked cry and Henry got his first spanking. It is the first of many times that they will both break my heart. Overall Henry has been a good boy. I miss him though. It used to be just us and now there is another little person taking my time and I know that it is hard on Henry. For months, way before Conrad, Henry has preferred Ross putting him down at night, but one night a couple weeks ago -in the height of postpartum emotions- Henry asked me to put him down. While I was rubbing his back he looked at me and said "Are you still my Mommy?" At that moment the realness of my 3 year old's feelings hit me... "Yes, I am your Mommy and I love being your Mommy." And Henry said "I love you too." How do I bottle up the pureness of that moment?

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Having two is hard. I can't stop thinking about all of my friends with 2 or 3. My mom had 5! How do you do it? You make going to Target or a birthday party look like a snap. I am not that mom. I have been showing up to swimming lessons with blood shot eyes, nursing accidents, maternity jeans and a grandma to help. Or all of the bloggers out there with 6 kids who home school and have a new post every morning. What is that? Even this post I started 3 feeding ago.

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When I think of the last month I think of smelling Conrad's breath... it is heaven. I think of all the amazing meals that our friends have given us. We still have two more! What a gift. I think of being rolled out of the hospital with Henry and Conrad on my lap. I think of my girlfriends coming over in their jammies with dinner, gifts and love on Ross's first day back to work. I think of the day I had a 104 tempature with mastitis. Ross was the most amazing nurse and my sweet friend Cara, came to the rescue. I was a mess and I really needed help. I think of having a glass of wine and Ross toasting me saying that I am his hero. It was so sweet it has gotten me through many low moments. And speaking of those. I think of crying. I remember this from Henry. I cry because I am so in love with my new baby or because I miss my big baby or because I can't imagine every wearing normal clothes again. I will think of all the times that my grandma has shown her spirit to me. I miss her but I know she is here with me. I think of calling my father in law minutes after Conrad was born to tell him that his grandson is his namesake.

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It has been a month and I actually feel like I am getting a little less socially akward. You know when you are so tired that you say dumb stuff like "you too" when someone says "Congrats on the new baby" even though they don't have a new baby? I blew my hair dry {well I blew the front dry}. I turned the ringer back on my phone. I went to Costco, although I came home with 25 lbs of pinto beans so maybe I wasn't ready for that outing. I made dinner last night {cold cereal and beans}. And this weekend we are going to a wedding. A wedding I have been looking forward to since I heard "he got his knee dirty and she said yes." Life is pretty darn good.

love & light,
Alexis

48 comments:

  1. Oh, sweet, brave, strong Alexis. You are my hero too. I'm all teary at the the images you have described. Your babies are beautiful and you are doing great. Take it all in. Take it slow. And don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are doing exactly what you need at the exact right pace for you. We'll be happy for your posts whenever they pop up.

    P.S. Love the bit about saying "you too" to the baby congrats. I'm pretty sure all us mamas can relate to that one.

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  2. Congratulations! You will make it through these tough, emotional days and continue to be the phenomenal mother you've always been. Congratulations on welcoming Conrad into your home and heart!

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  3. Oh Hon ~

    I knew there was a reason for every time you raced through my head...and each time, I would send a smile and wish of peace to you. Ross is so right ~ you are a hero! Your boys will always know this and love you for every thing you do and offer.

    The pinto beans bounty made me chuckle and you will know why when your box I shipped yesterday arrives.

    Bisous,
    Melissa

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  4. seeing you this posted made my morning. you are such a beautiful writer.
    and yes, 2 babies is hard. and transitions are hard and rocky. but there is wonderful down the road. trust me.
    xo

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  5. Congratulations, Conrad is beautiful. I know postpartum can sometimes be difficult, especially if you have another small child to care for. But you and your boys will find your way. Don't put any extra pressure on yourself to get 'back to normal'. You will get there, even if it is a new normal.
    Rest and take care of yourself. xo

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  6. Congratulations- he is so beautiful. Your post really brought me back to those early days with two kids (mine are now 2 and 4 1/2). It was hard, and I remember that feeling of "what did I do- things were so easy with one" mixed with such overwhelming love for #2, and a lot of guilt. I'm sure you hear this a lot, but it does get easier. At some point, it just turned a corner for me and felt manageable. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself- you're doing your best!

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  7. What an awesome post Alexis! So great to hear from you. And don't worry, you are right on point with every single thought and feeling you are having right now! I think I analyzed people who have multiples for about a week. Not knowing how anyone did it! And I precisely remember the first couple of times I "made it" through Target with both kids. I felt like a champ! A serious champ! Conrad is beautiful and I just love your photos. Can't wait to meet him:) Congratulations again! (I'm going to imagine you said "you too";)

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  8. this post just warms my heart. you are such an amazing mom and you inspire me so much. it was such an honor when you wanted to visit me! you have NO idea how excited i was to see you as a monther of 2. you were such a natural and made it look so easy! if you need someone to come and eat few pounds of pinto dishes, just give me a call;) love you so much and can't wait for our boys to start preschool together! so many good times to come:) xoxox

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  9. Congratulations! Conrad is beautiful. Thank you for being so honest about the swirl of emotions surrounding the early days of parenthood. I have three children and I can tell you it gets easier. It really, truly does. It can be so hard to transition from one to two kids. The sleep deprivation, sibling emotions and behavior, mastitis and baby blues were some of the most challenging things I've ever dealt with but you are so right: being surrounded by people who love you and cheer you on through pain and exhaustion make it so much easier to focus on the amazing, beautiful part of the journey...your children. Be gentle with yourself...it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job! Katie

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  10. Lex, I love your wordd. You are such a wonderful mommy to your boys, and they are so lucky to have you. Your feelings, and thoughts {worries} are all so natural and raw. I can't wait to see Conrad and Henry again soon {still have his bday present in my car}. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings of the first month with your boys! You will have the best time this weekend at the wedding. I can't wait to hear about it XOXO Nic

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  11. you are all so sweet... i am having such a fun day reading all your thoughtful comments!

    about the beans... i thought of Bianca {bink & boo} first as i loaded them in my trunk because if it wasn't for her i would have never bought then and then second i thought of Mel (reverie} because every time i buy beans at the store i wish that i could get my act together to buy the ones from Rancho Gordo!!

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  12. I love your sincerity and the realness in this post Alexis. Hang in there my friend xo Amber

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  13. Congrats on Conrad! Beautiful baby and lovely name. I love the honesty in your writing. I actually think that is how all moms feel sometimes, they just might not admit it.
    Keep breathing that sweet newborn baby breath!

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  14. Wow, what a profound and beautiful post. You are such an incredible mother, wife and friend and those boys are so lucky to have you and vice versa. Your family is divine and the trenches will be over soon enough! Call me if you need me!! xo

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  15. Congrats on another beautiful baby boy. I'm not a wife or mother, so I have no tips. All I can say is that any woman with that much love for the little gentlemen in her life is bound to do great things.

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  16. Your post has made me teary and my "babies" will be 16 in a week or so! I am one of those moms with 5 sons. What I have always said when people ask me how I do it is that you just do. You get through the day one moment at a time. (Although I must admit that I am secretly jealous of those ladies that always look awesome, homeschool their brood, have a hot meal ready every night and still are ready to get down and dirty with their hubbies!)

    Your post made me remember when my second son was born. My oldest was 3 and up until Matthew came into this world, he was my baby boy. When Thomas came into the room after Matthew was born I was shocked to see this full grown child. How did that happen? Why couldn't they both be my babies?

    Good luck with the adjustment. Honestly, you sound like you have things well under control (even if you aren't sure of that yet.)

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  17. What fabulous pictures! I cannot wait to meet him :)
    Best,
    Amy Meier

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  18. Alexis, he is so incredibly beautiful. I'm all teary-eyed now! There are days when I don't know if I'll end up a mom or not, but when I read a post like this one, all I know is that I'll make it happen, even if I adopt. There's nothing like that love, is there? Enjoy finding the new routine to your life -- and hopefully, I'll be back on the West Coast soon enough so I can come visit and see this handsome little man in person.

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  19. Alexis, great posts, you had me laughing out loud! Congrats! Conrad is a great name!
    ~Jacey

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  20. Thank you for your beautiful post, I came across it via Coastal Family Living and wept as I read what you wrote. You are SO right, I gave birth to my 2nd son 3 weeks ago and you said exactly what I have been feeling/thinking. I took my oldest to the water park with my mom and newborn today and I sat there thinking about what it was like before my newest addition arrived. There was part of me that mourned the old days but your post gave me hope for the new days ahead. Thank you for your lovely post.

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  21. Alexis, I love this post. I miss my friend and I can't wait to meet Conrad (and squish his l'il feet)and see Henry as a big brother.

    The 25 pounds of pinto beans has me rolling! That made my day.
    I will call you to see if it's a good time to pop in in the next couple of weeks, I have had a little something to bring to you.

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  22. oh good lord woman.. this post got me soooooo emotional.. I was doing pretty well until
    "are you still my mommy"?..
    sheeeeee whizzz.. that was th beginning of many choked moments in your glorious post!
    As a mama of two little boys.. I think this sure took me back.. but anyway..
    you are brave.. your photos are insanely gorgeous.. your little boys are so precious..
    and you are my new hero!! finally someone is telling it like it is!! I too go crazy trying to figure out how the homeschoolers of 6' get out all those perfect posts!!!
    haha.. luv Helen

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  23. Alexis, I've missed your posts too much! What beautiful snuggly photos. My first memory of my little brother is of him holding my finger like that when I was holding him right after he was born at the hospital. I was 4 years old. You are in such a special time and it appears that you are doing marvelously. I don't think a mother alive can say that it's easy. If it looks like it is, they're lying or faking it. Seriously.

    I did the same thing with the Costco pinto beans. I don't know why either, maybe it's a means of survival. You know what? We totally ate them all in 6 months. You'll be surprised...chili, whole beans, bean dip, bean burritos...

    Gorgeous anchor announcements too!
    xoxo Jen

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  24. I am happy to see you back here. Your post had me teary eyed. Ok, I will be honest, I was downright crying when I read it...I am at a stage when we are contemplating number 2 and, honestly, I just don't know if I can do it. I look at my son and never want an ounce of the love I have for him to go away or be shared. But, i also want him to have a little buddy and someone to complain with or laugh with when his parents are being sooooo uncool. Such a tough decision.
    Thanks for the honesty....looking forward to hearing more.

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  25. Alexis, It was so great hanging out the other day and meeting Mr. Conrad. He's absolutely perfect!
    Art and I drove by your house today on our way to seaside market. If only I had a dollar every time he say's " Is that Alexis's house? How's she doing? How's the baby?"
    Seriously......every time we drive by!
    I'd be one hell of a rich woman.
    Take care, and welcome back. Karin

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  26. Oh how I have missed your posts, but I didn't realize just how much until I saw your photos (your style is so organic and comforting) and then I read your words. You have such a way with words. I read this post last night, but needed a day to absorb all that you shared and the beauty of your honesty. I still can't properly formulate what I want to say. This post is beautiful to the eyes and nourishing to the heart. Thank you.

    Wishing you sunshine & cheer!

    P.S. Can I borrow a cup of beans? ;)

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  27. Congratulations!! Conrad is perfect! You just went through the most amazingly important and difficult feat imaginable.... I have three little ones, but I always tell people the transition from 1 to 2 kids was harder than 2 to 3. There was/is so much juggling involved that I wasn't used to. Hang in there. You will find your groove. :-)

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  28. What a beautiful baby! I have three boys so I have such a warm fuzzy feeling when I see baby boys. *gulp* Congrats and have fun :)

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  29. so many hugs of congratulations! beautiful.

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  30. Oh Alexis! Your words perfectly captured that first month...whew! two IS hard - still trying to wrap my brain around it all 4 months in...I'm pretty sure it gets easier though, right? ;) So good to hear from you lady as I have though of you often!!

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  31. Congratulations, Alexis! Conrad is beautiful! You're an amazing writer and one of the most sincerest. Best wishes! xo

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  32. What a beautiful and honest post. Congratulations on two beautiful children!

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  33. I'm a fairly new reader to your blog, and I kept checking in to see any posts of your new little one. Congrats, he is so beautiful.

    Oh, how I remember those first few zombie months with a newborn. Before long they will only be a happy memories, because you will have forgotten all the sleepless nights and baby blues, and remember how sweet it felt to hold such a darling little child in your arms.

    Glad you have a new post :)

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  34. alexis! such a sweet post..you are such an amazing mom and those boys are so lucky!

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  35. Oh...I was just checking to see if you were back and here is this post that makes me cry! It is so sweet and filled with so much love and honesty...it takes me back to when I had my second and that first time when you have both babies in your arms...even if one was four, they are still your babies. Hope you get some sleep.

    xo annie

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  36. yayy! love this photo and love that you checked in! xoxo

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  37. I breathed in every precious word you wrote. I love you so much sweet friend. You are a beautiful soul and Ross, Henry and Conrad are the luckiest boys in the world to be loved so completely by you. I wish I were closer to come over and have coffee with you, clean up, hold Conrad or just talk.

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  38. This is so beautiful sweetheart. I adore you, and everything you just wrote makes me miss you and wish I could squeeze that precious little newborn. Congratulations. xx

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  39. You are an incredibly mother, wife, and friend! This post brought tears to my eyes! Your way with words married with your breath taking photos is magical. xo Samantha

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  40. Oh, Honey! This post made me cry and made me laugh. Thank you so much for sharing such tender words and emotions from your heart. Congratulations from the bottom of mine. Sending you love.

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  41. The love you have for your boys truly jumps off the page. That's precisely what will pull you through the more difficult and sleep deprived moments.

    Thanks for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post.

    Congrats!

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  42. Congratulations, Alexis! I'm so happy for you... I hope each day you are feeling a little more like yourself. Soak in every second with sweet Conrad (love that name).
    BIG XO
    Trina

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  43. SO so sweet. Congratulations over and over.

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  44. You're back! Yay! I can't imagine the transition to two. I'm sure it's amazing and just utterly hard. Congrats to the whole family!!

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  45. Wow. The breath of a newborn. I love that sweet scent and the little gasps. My baby is five now (girl after two boys- the first of whom was born July 9th!), and I can feel your current space like it was yesterday, but also like it was forever ago. I was worried that I wouldn't love the second or third like the first, but isn't it amazing- the heart's capacity for love? You may feel pangs for Henry at times, but you have given him the best gift of all, a sibling! Enjoy and congratulations!

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  46. If only I could zap you into the future so that you could see how much you are going to rock this whole mama thing! With four of my own (all boys) I can honestly say that the very beginning is hard, but then it levels out, you find your groove, and you enjoy all of those amazing moments. Be kind to yourself - sleep deprivation is a wicked thing and there are times when you can't be held accountable for your actions. seriously. :)
    Henry will always be your big boy - mine will graduate this year and at times it sends me reeling. But there will be a special place all it's own for each of your boys - it isn't a competition between them as they are two different precious souls who will bring you such joy but in different ways.
    So happy for you,
    xx

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  47. This. Is. Breathtaking.

    You may be a complete stranger, but I have to say that despite your exhaustion, you did good here. Any woman on her way to having a first, second, third, and so on, should read this post. And those of us, like myself, who had our first 10 months ago should read this post.

    Thank you.

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