chapter two - "soul fever"

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

raspberry picking.jpg

I hope I haven't lost any of you... there was a pretty good discussion yesterday on "stuff" and although this is a huge part of simplifying {and we will talk more about it tomorrow} it is only one part of the book. Today we are going to talk about Soul Fevers. My cohost today is Torrie with A Place to Share...

“Something is not right; they’re upset, overwhelmed, at odds with the world. And most of all, at odds with their truest selves.” This is what the author refers to as a “soul fever” and it describes my 8-yr. old daughter’s current condition- to a ‘T’. It’s been building up for a while now. And in full disclosure, I have noticed it, made a few small changes here and there, and quieted things down as necessary- until the fever has waned to a manageable level. But with the next wave of school projects, or influx of social commitments (aka- play dates, family gatherings, birthday parties), or any other small or large crisis that arrives when least expected (especially these past few months), her fever returns… in stronger form. In the form of mood swings, short tempers, pushiness, constant discontentment, boredom, sluggishness, and major sass. I hate to admit it, but my little ‘ray of sunshine’ has not been beaming so bright as of late. But then again, neither have I. This past Saturday morning, minutes after her brother left for a 2-day camping trip, she presented us with a “What I want to do today” list. Let’s just say, that I was worn out after merely reading the list. Is it even possible to play on the slip n’ slide, set up and conduct a lemonade stand, prepare snow cones, blow up the playhouse, learn to type, do a craft, watch a movie, play the Wii, have a tea party- all in one day?? I could wax poetic about how she {we} got here, and give countless examples of how we believe wholeheartedly in the concept of “simplicity parenting.” Details (and excuses) aside, we’ve always been huge believers of keeping it simple. We live fairly quiet lives, have our kids involved in as few extra-curricular activities as possible, spend our summers camping, and our weekends puttering in the garden. Disneyland to us is hitting up a new farmer’s market- or better yet- a restaurant supply store. But as the kids have gotten a little older, as their span of influence has increased, as we’ve each added more to our plate- we’ve lost our way a bit. And this is exactly why we are reading this book. It’s time to set the quick fixes aside, turn the computer [video games, cell phones, TV…] off, de-clutter our home (& schedules), and get back on track.

Torrie thank you for being so authentic and honest. I think it is so wonderful to hear other moms be vulnerable. There is soooo much to be vulnerable about in parenthood, no?!

I loved this chapter. Actually out of all the chapters this one really spoke to me. I don't think that there is any child in the world who hasn't had one. Kim John Payne's theory is that children have physical fevers and soul fevers. When a child has a physical fever what do we do? We clear our calendars, we make sure they are comfortable, we cuddle, we read, we are in the moment with our child. This is exactly the same thing with a soul fever. I always know when they are coming on. Maybe after the third birthday party of the weekend and after his second restless night of sleep. I know that there will be pay back time on Monday. Before reading this book I just thought that is how it is. We get through the rough patch and move on. Of course this will happen but what this book really helped me see is that you can anticipate it and you can avoid it. Your child doesn't need to do everything. You don't need to sign up or attend every event that comes your way. I feel like the message is that we must discern what is important and then make a choice.

The hardest part about this is that a child with a soul fever is not always the most pleasant person to be around. This is the Henry that usually gets under my skin and brings the worst out of me. But I feel like if I can identify with what is going on I am much more understanding and ready to care for his "fever."

What did you all get out of this?

Have you noticed when a "fever" is coming on?

What have you seen as a surefire way to get a "soul fever"?

I feel like I get "soul fevers" too, when you just feel out of sorts, when all you want to do is clear your calendar and decompress.

Let's discuss....

*Above is a sweet photo of Torrie and her little girl picking raspberries. Thank you again Torrie. Looking forward to meeting you one day soon!

27 comments:

  1. What great insight you two have! This chapter would apply directly to my old personality more so than to my son. I used to get "soul fevers" often and would rsvp "yes" to everything, which was very overwhelming. I know this sounds SO lame, but having a blog did not help with that either. I almost felt like I NEEDED to go somewhere just so I could blog material. SO FREAKING LAME! I hated to feel like I was missing out on something, until reality hit when I was pregnant and I had to miss nearly everything. It was hard at first, but then I started to like not having to be anywhere. And I really started to enjoy time away from my computer and blogging in general. I have applied this same "shut down from the world tactic" with Harper. Twice a week on the days when we don't have school, we have a pajama day. We literally stay in our pj's all day long and build forts and water the garden, bake and just be flat out lazy. It is a rule to not drive anywhere and when I get the urge to run an errand, Harper will remind me about that rule. It is both of our favorite days of the week. Having a newborn has also made wanting to do everything, just a joke. But I do think it is important to let Harper still have many experiences outside of the home. This past weekend was really hectic. In one day, Collin wanted to take Harper to a surf competition at Trestles, then to his soccer game, then to the ice cream social. We technically could have made time for all three. But we both knew that only 1 event would be smart. So then we had to choose which one of the three to do. We missed his soccer game so that we could go ride a firetruck. He hasn't stopped talking about it since, so I know that is a memory we will always enjoy for years to come. We are also big on traditions. It is a tradition every year for us to go to the Flower Fields and let Harper ride the tractor. Our Sunday traditions are church and farmers market. We keep very busy all year long because of these little traditions, but at the same time we watch the sunset, go on long walks and can be quiet from the world. This post has reminded me to keep a good hold on our pajama days, because it is easy to slip and fall back on the "say yes to everything" routine. Thanks for the insight ladies!

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    1. This is probably why Harper is so adjusted and content... he has this downtime. It's predictable and consistent which is what kids are so hungry for. Like I said before I think you do many of the things that the book says... I love the idea of PJ day. I know Henry would love that too. This summer I have already started to plan what our days are going to look like, PJ day will have to be in there. Also thank you so much for sharing the prayers yesterday. It is beautiful and such an amazing way to ask God for help. I feel like as soon as I do that in parenting He always comes to my rescue. oxo

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    3. Grace~

      I am loving your comments and insight as well (from today and yesterday's post)! And that prayer is powerful... one that has stayed with me all morning, and will continue to stick with me. Thank you for your honesty in regards to the "old you"... I can relate entirely to all of it- including the "must-create-blog-material" line of thinking (so not a place I want to be in... an awful feeling when you have to create moments for the sake of *sharing). A few months ago, I took the kids to the zoo. My phone died early on in the day. It was such a blessing to stay totally unplugged and connected to my kids alone for the entire afternoon. A huge wake-up call that I need to leave my phone at home more often (or at least IN my bag). I love the idea of pajama day- with no driving (even better)!! Like Alexis said, I'm already envisioning a calm summer with lots of pajama days mixed in... filled with simple pleasures... popsicles... forts... gardening... :)

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  2. Oh my. O.k. I'm ordering the book. I'm in. I'm quite convinced my Emerson was born with a soul fever. I'm not joking. Her birth was traumatic for both of us and was the height of overstimulation and I see that play out in stormy ways almost once each day. It's been a tough road and this is opening my eyes to so much potential healing. This is big stuff and I love that it's happening on a blog. O.k. off to Amazon to order now.

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    1. I think you are right... not to be totally dramatic but this book really is a game changer... I have been rereading a lot of it so that I can post on each chapter and I even think it is a book that will grow with you and your family. I feel like as soon as I see us getting off track I am going to pick it up. Like most things in life I know that parenthood needs maintenance. Can't wait to hear what you think!! ox

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    2. a total game-changer estelle. from what i've read so far, it sounds like jacob- and hailey (both in similar and different ways) have many similarities both of your children in the way that they handle over-stimulation, over-indulgence, excess information, change (oh, change is a biggie for jacob- always has been and still is... we even struggle on friday afternoon- which marks a seemingly insignificant *change- from him transitioning out of the school/homework-mode and into family-mode)... i focused more on hailey in this post, but jacob get different types of soul fevers (he's my worrier and i know literally within seconds when those worries/"thoughts"/anxieties arrive). so glad that you're ordering the book- and i agree- what alexis has created here is incredible.

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    3. *by "both" of your children, I was referring to both you and alexis :).

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  3. I always love Torrie's writing and, for me, she always encapsulates life so beautifully. "Soul fever", she describes my daughter exactly, the wanting and wanting and the list writing and yet I don't know what will fill her up. After we've done some of the stuff and then been to Gap and got her white jeans, she still feel empty and wanting again. I would love to rent a house in Sonoma for the summer and hole up there away from it all ...not sure if that is the solution or just avoiding the problem?

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    1. Torrie is wonderful I agree... I actually got a little emotional when I first read her post. It is so refreshing to hear someone be honest about mommyhood and their children... it is hard and not always pretty.
      When we were kids we would spend many weeks in the summer at a cabin in the Sierras. As a kid it was an amazing place. We would spend hours exploring and every few days my mom would give us a couple dollars to hike to the general store {it felt like it was 10 miles away... it would take half the day} and get some candy. This was the best. The feeling of independence and adventure was heaven. Now being a mom this must have been magical for my mom. She had 5 kids and when we were at the cabin we were all engaged. There wasn't a TV, so we spend our time being creative. Making something out of nothing. Talent shows, Yahtzee and card games seemed to fill our evenings. Reflecting back I am sure we had toys but honestly I can't remember any. I know we did have a kiddie pool on the deck where many baths were taken but other then that it was simple.
      The truth is around 14 years old the cabin was the last place on earth that I wanted to be. All my friends were home at the beach and I was stuck at a cabin without TV. I think I made my mom's life such hell one summer that I was never made to go back there again. Hmmmm how do you deal with that?? I have no idea. Thank God I have 10 years to figure that one out.

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    2. oh, i have so much to say on both of your comments. (and thank you btw for the compliment!! made my day :))

      jody- you describe it perfectly. always wanting... wanting to fill a hole that can't be filled with "stuff" (or even with all of her to-do's). funny, we're actually renting a house in sonoma this summer! (only for a week though... wish it was for the entire summer!) but, seriously- i am finding that being engaged... truly engaged... is starting to get her wanting-mind relaxed. she seems to have so much anxiety over being bored- over me not really engaging with her (giving her the "not now, maybe later" response)- that she tries to relieve this anxiety by filling up every moment of our day- by committing me to activity after activity- always worrying about the "next thing", never enjoying *now. i can see my part in this (disengagement, excessive busy-ness on my part) and am trying to slowly piece back together our relationship with real engagement (not just her chattering away while I am busy doing something else).

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    3. alexis- i love your example, and perfect description (sounds completely magical!!). i saw that transition with my brother (he was 5 years older)- from him enjoying family time, engagement, being away from everything... to him wanting to be only HOME, with his girlfreind, his friends... even though it's a natural and unavoidable process, i think my mom let go- sort of gave up, and allowed it to happen too quickly. {hearing you talk about how you made your mom's life hell, i guess i can see why!! :)} but seriously- i don't have it all figured out- but i try to remember that even though he (jacob- 14) may act bored/difficult, that he still cherishes simple activities... time with his family... being allowed to grow and change, while being able to still "be a kid" at the same time. i think it is definitely a harder age for parents/grandparents to relate with (including myself) and i see (with so many of his friends) parents sort of giving in/throwing in the towel, stepping back, and taking the "easy route"... disengaging with them, letting them disengage on a very high level, ignoring "soul fevers"- when it is just as vital (and more challenging) to address/deal with them at this age. instead, they're automatically disregarded as "hormones." {but yes- thank god you have 10 years to go!! :)}

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  4. Timely this morning as we had the meltdown to end ALL meltdowns from my daughter this morning before swim class. I handled it 100% wrong- yelled back, threatened, freaked out and almost cried. What Estelle said hits home. N has a fiery personality- amazing highs and very dramatic lows. Sometimes it wears me out. I do think she benefits from forced down time with me since in a sense we are similar. Maybe it's time to get a "day off" together on the calendar to just lounge, read books and sit in the sun together.

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    1. Family TIME OUTS sound pretty good. I think my family is in need of one of those. It is so easy to get caught up and not stop. I loved this about Chapter 4 and 5... We will talk more about this later but didn't you love the part about how kids need to "pause" or "decompress"... this is really when the parenting happens... When you are going from one thing to the next you are not able to connect. In the moment when the dishes are done, your on the sofa reading a magazine and your child comes to tell you a story that is IT. That is the time to connect and to parent. Those are the moments that can not be planned but we CAN make time for them.

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    2. this is a big reason that we have "found" ourselves in our current state of affairs... no down-time... to the point that i was wound up so tight (because i, as much as them NEED down-time!!) that i would literally get impatient and frustrated when she took too long to describe something. or when they'd talk to me (about seemingly "little" matters), I'd listen with only a fraction of engagement. then i saw this- http://pinterest.com/pin/20407004531717676/ - and it hit me like a ton of bricks. {as did this- http://pinterest.com/pin/20407004531740626/ } time to stop and listen, UNWIND myself, just lounge (like you said erin :)).

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  5. I bought Simplicity Parenting months ago and am now finally delving into it. Alexis, thank you for hosting this virtual book club and inviting women who I always enjoy hearing from into the discussion. It's going to light a fire under me to catch up!

    I love the analogy of soul fevers. It's so true. It's interesting because my oldest is almost 12 years old and youngest is 5...with another kiddo thrown in the middle for good measure. ;) The huge increase in technology between now and when my son was a toddler is incredible. When my son had a "soul fever" when younger, I swear I was right on it. I know it could be that he was my only child at the time, but like Grace said, I truly feel now it is more challenging because of all the distractions blogging, etc. provides. Like others, I'm, along with the rest of the family, really scaling back because of that. I want to feel more present with my children and I want them to feel more present with me and my husband. It's really working and those flare-ups have calmed down. Sometimes it's easy to forget that all kids need that undivided time with their parents--no matter what age. (I still love it with mine! :) )

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    1. Katie... you have made such a brilliant point.... "I still love it with mine!"... of course we do. Still as grown adults we still want the attention of our parents. So of course our kids want that too. I think many of the things in this book that tend to be obvious are things that I want in my life. That is why I think this book can relate to our marriages and relationships. Thank you for sharing... and you are so welcome. I love that people have been engaged. I was really hoping that a few people would read with me and it seems like maybe more have.

      ox

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    2. so true. i love spending time with them. i crave it and i know that they still do as well. my worst time of day is that evening when i tuck them in after a non-stop activity/homework filled day and realize that i did not get to spend *any time with them. my day doesn't feel complete, and i always vow to do whatever i can to make amends the next day.

      katie- it is absolutely crazy how much things have changed in the past 10 years. my challenges with hailey are so incredibly different than with jacob- in light of all of these changes, and my own "new found blogging {pinterest/instagram/twitter/fb} preocupation." it is at also at the top of my list to scale. back. when it starts to effect my relationship with them (especially with her, since jacob is always so busy doing homework to notice me being unplugged lately!), then something has to give. i can always pin after bedtime, right??

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  6. The soul fever is such a good concept. And, like so much in this book, it's not really just about kids and parenting is it. I think as a manager, a mentor, or even a student of yourself, being in tune to and aware of soul fevers is crucial. Technology seems to accelerate their frequency. And it's not just the computer. Even (gasp) not turning on music seems to abate the dreaded fever. Great chapter.

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    1. So true! I have noticed myself purposefully not turning music on in the car {which is hard for me to do} after preschool pick up just so that we can look out the window or talk about how the morning went.

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  7. Technology has been a huge contributor to our fevers...either it be the rewarded television show or my time spent on email/blog land - we are greatly affected by it. Since I 'killed our television' and cut back tremendously on my computer/ipad time there has been a huge turn around...not only in my son's behavior but also in mine. The Boss has made a great point with music - I tend to have major fevers when certain artists play on the ipod...I prefer my mornings quiet yet when my husband throws on his 'get pumped - going to shred' tunes I get antsy.

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    1. It was so much fun for me to hear that this book is rocking your world {in a good way}. I think it is so powerful. I am seeing such a difference in my family {I mean I did before I started blogging everyday, HA!}... there are just so many good nuggets in this book. It is for sure something I will go back to and reference. I want to hear more about the purge that I saw on Instagram. I am ready to do purge #2 on the half of the half :)

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  8. i've enjoyed reading every single word in this post as well as all the great comments. "soul fever" definitely happens to me and my crumb. i believe kids feed off our energy, so i began to notice how gaia would not listen to me or act out for what i thought no reason when my time was sucked up by being online, returning phone calls, styling photo-shoots, etc. i didn't even like myself and how stressed i would become {and she was mimicking my stress with total agitation} when i knew i needed to post on the blog, answer emails that were not of importance, try to keep my 'brand' noticed for marketing purposes and to get sales, over-scheduling us daily until we all felt defeated, etc. once i stepped back and realized that none of those things mattered more than quality time with my girl, then everyone became more relaxed, focused and rested. so for me, this chapter spoke volumes about myself.

    i want her to remember her childhood as happy and fun with a mama who smiles all the time, doesn't have the furrowed brow look because she is running from one appointment or playdate or workshop to the next with only 20 minutes to spare between them, and a mama who holds her hand and not just an iphone.

    we still are active because both of us have cage fever by 10:00 if we haven't left the house yet, but it doesn't mean we dash out to scheduled events, instead, we wander A LOT. some of our best days are the ones where there is absolutely nothing planned and we just go with the flow.

    all you ladies {and THE BOSS} are inspiring and so insightful with your thoughts so far on this wonderful book. thank you.

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    1. so glad that you are getting so much out of this... you were already on your way with your hiatus... I am going to need one after all of this blogging ;).... oxoxoxo

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  9. I love having a name for the over load "soul fever". That has definitely happened in our family as well. Sometimes there are weekends that consist of to many plans and things we feel are important and don't want to miss. We used to feel bad about saying no, but now it's the only thing that I can do to keep everything positive around here. Yes we have over done it a few times, sometimes you have to learn the hard way... but now we know when enough is enough. This past weekend for example. I think I have a post on it tomorrow actually. We were lucky enough to have many "places to go" but we knew we had to narrow it down, so of course we choose visiting with Grandparent {the kids great-grandparents} all day saturday, and then dinner at my Dads for evening pool time. The other option was driving from one place to next with minimal time at each {sounds awful}. The kids {and myself actually} would pay for it later. Our favorite weekends and most weekends, are filled with farmers market strolls, bike rides, gardening, and a beach day. I don't have a hard time saying no to plans now if we are overloaded, however I do feel that the people I am declining a wonderful invitation from sometimes don't understand. So that part is a little hard. Now I will have a easy way to explain... the "Soul Fever". BTW, your cabin rocked! I wish I could go there right now! :)

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    1. It is so hard to decline but so important for our families to function correctly. I think that anyone who understands family would know that and if they don't you can't worry about it... what is most important is C.R.D.H!!!! oxoxoxo

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  10. I definitely notice when the kids are getting soul fevers. With my son, it happens when we over schedule him and he's tired/needs sleep. This soul fever is easy enough to remedy with some down time. With my daughter, her soul fevers are more emotionally charged. She needs lots of one-on-one contact and soothing, which is easy enough to remedy except when you have a day packed full of running around. I suppose the first and best step is knowing what causes the soul fever and then trying your best to avoid those situations. As an adult, I definitely suffer from my own soul fevers, as Alexis mentioned. I tend to experience surges of wanting to be really social and then need to step back a bit. This chapter, Torrie's words, and all the feedback here as been really eye opening.

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